I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I've just been feeling introspective lately. Odds are the people I'm writing this for will never see it, and I don't intend to seek them out. If they do come across it, they'll know who they are. This isn't a suicide note, this is just something I need to get out in the open air.
All I want is to say I'm sorry.
When I was a teenager, I joined DeviantArt in the midst of a lot of life troubles. Here, I found a group of friends that I spoke to nearly every day, some more than friends I knew personally. We'd laughed and drew things for each other, even creating stories with characters we'd make up that week. One girl I'd been talking to in that time managed to steal my heart, and we dated for nearly three years. My friends at school didn't understand and my parents thought it was stupid, but nothing could shake the love I had for her at the time.
Eventually, we made plans for me to use every penny I had to buy a plane ticket and fly across the country to be with her. Once I'd graduated high school, I'd finally be with the love of my life, and I told everyone I could. I don't remember what the catalyst was, but it dawned on me one day that this wasn't the best idea. When I shared my thoughts, she snapped at me, saying I'd given up and I was a coward. Soon enough, every one of our friends began to message me saying the same thing. We broke up, and every friend we had went with her, leaving me all alone.
The next week was almost exclusively spent in tears. I couldn't sleep or eat, and I barely left my bedroom. Why would I want to go on like this? Attempts to reconcile with anyone were ignored, and there wasn't much of anyone I could turn to. Wallowing alone was about the only thing I was able to do for the longest time. As I sat and thought about everything I'd lost, I started to come to a few realizations. A handful were the girl I'd lost, trying to come up with reasons why losing her was a good thing so I'd stop being so broken up about it. The more I thought, however, the more my thoughts turned to the friends I'd lost as well. I remembered all of the good times we'd shared. I remembered the hardships I'd tried to support them through. As I dug deeper, other memories surfaced. Things I'd either viewed differently at the time or outright repressed.
In my darkest moments, I started to realize that I was a shitty person back then.
I don't know how it didn't occur to me at the time, but I did a lot of things that I still hate to think about. Friends would be going through important issues in their lives and I'd try to turn things into a pity party for myself. I made a nickname for one girl based on her cup size. Someone would post a picture of a character and I'd talk about how much I'd like to fuck their character, in detail. I drew (bad) sexual pictures of a friend despite having a girlfriend at the time. I often treated my girlfriend like she wasn't that important, ignoring her feelings or making fun of what she liked because I thought it was funny. There's one or two things that come to mind that I can't even bring myself to type them out. Basically, I was a creepy scumbag, and I'm still shocked any of them tolerated it for one second.
When all of this dawned on me, it hit like a truck. I've lost sleep over how bad of a person I once was. No wonder nobody ever wanted to talk to me again. I guess everyone just needed a good reason, and breaking up with my girlfriend was as good as any. I'm sure there were those that had reasons separate from the others, but the point stands. I was a rancid piece of human filth, and there's no excuse for my actions.
I'm not looking for pity, nor am I looking to mend old bridges. Those burned too long ago. All I want is for anyone I was once involved with to know that I'm sorry for anything I'd ever done to them for any reason. I don't care if you don't forgive me, because I know a lot of you won't. Just know that ever since then, I've been working to better myself. I don't want to be that kind of person to anyone ever again.
I'm sorry for everything, everyone. I hope that your lives have been fulfilling and wonderful in my absence. I know some of you are going to do great things one day.